When I turned 29, I kept telling myself that I was already 30, and that I would just be 30 twice. ...because being a twenty-something year-old didn’t “fit” anymore. As my birthday got closer and closer, the self-imposed pressure to do something grand, make a list of my accomplishments, and prove that I was worthy of a post saying “30 and thriving” started to creep in.
Well fuck. I really don’t know what I am doing.
...but I don’t think anyone else does either.
I know that I’m constantly on the grind and hustling to accomplish my goals and striving to achieve my own definition of success. I know that I aspire to find happiness and that I’m hella lucky to be where I am today.
Yet the other side of me - the nagging, anxious one that my family and close friends know all too well - keeps questioning if I would be more successful or happier somewhere else. She also reminds me I should have already met many of my goals and that I should be more “successful”.
As my birthday got closer, I kept trying to have “everything ready” to welcome my big, life changing 3-0.
I found myself venting to one of my best friends the day before my birthday about how anxious I was feeling. Not about turning 30 per se, but about how “important” this day has to be.
“Wey no sé qué estoy haciendo y todo me da ansia,” I told her. “Tengo quiz mañana, Niza me dejó pensando en muchas cosas que quiero hacer, y ahora me siento como atrapada en mi propia perfecta burbuja que he creado”
And you know what she told me?
“Yo me siento igual wey”
Well fuck. I thought at least one of us would hold the key to clarity!
There was a lot of this going on in my head: “I can’t turn 30 with my laundry on the floor; that’s very un-30.” “You've got to make sure to write something profound in your journal the day before your birthday to reflect on your life.”
And let’s not even get into finding a partner, buying property, why wearing Birkenstocks year-round is amazing, and what else I can do to give this planet a fighting chance…
Basically I was thinking, "Fix and figure out everything before Wednesday because you’re almost 30, bish."
I know this sounds pretty pessimistic, but I promise it's not. I think if anything, what I am trying to say is that the good and the bad come whenever. Life decides, you don’t. I am pretty content with where I am in life, but I know I’m an individual who is constantly looking for ways to be a better version of myself, be happier, and fuller. I just want to make sure that as I am going through life I make an effort to learn from my mistakes, actually apply what I learn, and be a better person.
If the price to pay for getting an MBA while working full time, racing 70.3 Worlds, and getting to see my sister and mom a week ago in France, is that I have to go to work, take an accounting quiz, and sleep with my clean laundry on the floor on my birthday, well fuck it.
I’ll take that any day.
So this is what I have to say to my internal old, nagging, anxious lady (and to anyone still reading):
Accomplishments and successes don’t come on your birthday, at defined times, or in a tidy box that says “Jimena’s successes”. Sure, you have graduation days, crossing of finish lines, new opportunities, etc. But the real accomplishments happen slowly, silently, and unnoticed from mostly everyone except maybe yourself. Make sure you take a moment to pat yourself on the back.
Having constant goals does not mean you haven’t met your old ones.
You will never be where you thought you would be. I don’t know if that’s necessarily good or bad, but what I do know is that living in a “the grass is greener on the other side” way is no bueno.
Happiness comes in waves so enjoy the highs and brace yourself for the lows.
Be kinder to everyone, especially yourself.
You will never have it “together”. Every day, age, and time in your life comes with new struggles and new amazing opportunities. It just is what it is.
We have all been dealt our hand. Yes, some are better than others, but I do know that if you have the time to read someone's random blog post about turning 30, you are probably more lucky than most of the world. Don’t forget to be grateful and give back.
You’re never too young or old to learn new things or be a better human. The world and humanity desperately needs better habitants.
You know the rest… wear sunscreen, take care of your knees (oops), take deep breaths, smile more often, etc.
Lastly, never forget to tell your loved ones you love them (and that includes yourself).
Turns out making lists before your birthday is fun and helpful ...but I still don’t know what I’m doing. :)
